Polishing Ourselves to Deserve an Ideal Soul Mate
by Jeanny Chen - Happiness Central! http://www.happyjeanny.com
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Polishing ourselves to deserve an ideal soul mate
Excerpts from an essay by Jeanny Chen, www.happyjeanny.com

Buddhism teaches that all problems and their solutions come from within our own lives. Therefore, if we have been experiencing difficulties in finding the ideal soul mate, we know that we ourselves are the ultimate sources for the answers on how to succeed in this goal.

The first thing that we can do for our lives is to sculpt ourselves.

A person whose basic life condition is in the World of Tranquility would not normally seek a close relationship with a person whose life state is constantly in the World of Animality or Hunger.

In his writing “Letter to the Brothers”, Nichiren Daishonin gives a very vivid explanation of the close relationship between a husband and a wife:
“A husband and wife are as close as a form and shadow, flowers and fruit, or roots and leaves, in every existence of life. Insects eat the trees they live in, and fish drink the water in which they swim. If grasses wither, orchids grieve; if pine trees flourish, cypresses rejoice.” (WND p 501)

In other words, two people stay together, share their lives or experience their combined karma together but they don’t just get together randomly. They are together based on reasons. Those who have good karma can only share their fortune with people who have the same fortune to enjoy it. Those who have deep, dark karma will only be together with someone whose destiny, at least part of it, is equally dark and heavy. A loving and caring man won’t qualify to play the role of a husband in the life of a woman whose karma is to marry a very abusive man. Instead, he belongs to a woman who has the good karma of enjoying the sweet love of her man.

Therefore, if we are wise enough, before setting out in search of Mr. or Mrs. Right, we will eradicate bad karma and create good karma first. In this way, we become persons of better fortune. It will save us from struggling through much unwanted and avoidable suffering.

The second answer that our lives can contribute is to choose wisely.

We don’t want to risk our happiness by grabbing someone just because that person is available to us. If we do, we can expect the endless struggle that’s going to befall us. Feeling desperately lonely, fearing that there is no chance of finding a better partner or thinking we don’t deserve a good one are no reasons to perfunctorily settle for less. It’s better to leave one's heart yearning for love than to fill the aching void without discretion.
Again, we would be much better off if we turned the energy of desperation, fear and struggle into the fuel to forge our development first. Once we have cultivated more commendable quality, naturally we qualify to have more options to choose from. Thus, we can hold our heads high and choose wisely.

Let’s look at what a harmonious seamless relationship is like in Nichiren Daishonin’s eyes:
“The Hiyoku is a bird with one body and two heads. Both of its mouths nourish the same body. Himoku are fish with only one eye each, so the male and female remain together for life. A husband and wife should be like them.” (Letter to the Brothers, WND p 502)

The ideal relationship should be reciprocally nourishing. It is very important that with our partner we inspire and encourage, respect and cherish, motivate and invigorate each other. And that we work as two in body but one in mind on mutual goals.

The third answer from our lives with which to solve our relationship problem is to renew the image of our soul mate.

Indeed, superficially speaking, it is hard to find someone whose strengths and weaknesses fit us perfectly. But, it is up to us how we think and work to complement each other and create value from our partner’s seemingly negative traits in our eyes.

When the ideals and desires of the two sides are unbalanced or confrontational, before we treat it as a doomed relationship and helplessly plunge into the commitment or before we rush to abandon the relationship, there’s something we can try. In fact, activating our wisdom awakens us to the untrue portrait we have painted of our partner. We can also employ the teachings of Nichiren Buddhism to gain a truthful, vivid and positive image of the same person.

Do we have the wisdom to see the reality of the relationship as the manifestation of our own karma, and do we thus want to take total responsibility? What can we do to help our partner and to turn around our relationship?

The value of everything changes, depending on its relationship with the environment and depending on how we look at it. Does that mean that we can reformat the pattern of our relationship without changing partners? Yes!

Here come the tough questions to ponder and the real task to follow through on: Can we allow our partners the room to live their lives instead of enveloping them in the narrow fashion of our frame of mind? Are we willing to employ the kind of wisdom, compassion and strength, our Buddha Nature, and resolve to process the poisons into medicines? Do we want to exert our wisdom and compassion to understand where our partners are coming from and practice this Buddhism on their behalf to help them change their karma and erase trauma?

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This page was last modified on Sunday, August 20, 2006.